Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Acceptance - Faith
If you have been following my blog you will know that my mother has been home bound for 5 years and 9 months. For the first few years, can't remember exactly when, my mother thought things would change. She was hopeful that her condition would improve and she would not live confined to her room as she was living. I remember like it was yesterday the day she looked at me and said, "I'm not going to get any better, am I". Although I can not remember the exact day this happened it impacted me deeply. Prior to that day I did not realize that she even thought she would get any better. I thought she understood, like the rest of us, that this was permanent. We all believe in miracles but we also know how to deal with reality, so we accepted that she would be home bound (room bound) when we brought her home from the hospital. What we did not do was explain this to mother. I felt so guilty for having not told her before this point what I already knew about her condition. Her lungs would never be able to repair themselves. The damage was too severe and we knew that without the ventilator she would not be able to take a breath on her own. I got so caught up in my own feelings and what I was experiencing and forgot to ask her what she thought or felt. How selfish of me to not realize what she may have been thinking. After this I have not and will never again assume she knows exactly what is going on with her health. I will tell her exactly what is going on good or bad. Tonight I sit here working on my assignments while also watching my mom enjoy a sugar daddy and reading a book. The look on her face is nothing but contentment. It has taken a lot of time for her to accept the fact this is what the rest of her life will be like. Yes, she still has those days when she will talk about what she wishes she could do but she knows that she can't and accepts life as it is. Several years back I recall her sitting with a friend who was also having health problems. Her friend knew she was developing Alzheimer's and would soon not be able to come and visit. She also knew soon she would be dependent on her family to care for her just as mother has had to become dependent on her family. She looked at mother and said, "Why does God keep us around?". They then both grinned and went on with their conversation, I myself had to leave the room for fear of getting upset in front of them. Although this experience upset me I did realize later that they both had accepted their new place in the world, even though they did not know why. My only explanation for this is Faith. Although she is weak physically I believe her mind, spirit, and soul have never been stronger.
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3 comments:
In my blog,"Spirituality in Young Adulthood", I was just asking the same type of questions that your mother and her friend asked at the end of your post. I spoke about my questioning why GOD has us suffering. You should go and check out my blog and give me your opinion on the questions that I posed. When I was 21,I found out that my mother had contracted the virus that causes HIV. I also went through a period like your mother. I kwew my mother would not get an better and that there was no cure for this disease, but I thought that I would have up to 10 years to deal with that fact. I thought that I would have time in those years to spend some quality time with her and have millions of memories of her. Well, the next year she died due to having phenomonia and I didn't get to say goodbye. This still hurts me today. I had accepted that I would lose her, but I didn't think that I would do so that quickly. At least you have this time with your mother. Make every last second count because you never know when GOD will call them home. And even though I ask questions in my blog about why GOD lets us suffer, I still love, believe, and have faith that HE loves me and has my best interest at heart.
Your mother is a brave woman. It is something to say that we walk by faith,but until something happen to us we lose it on the spot. I must say I am inspired by your mother courage. Also, your mother and her friend know God's will and they both were willing to accept it. I do understand what you had to experience not informing your mother of the whole truth of her condition, like you said it is what it is. My father was faced with these issues with Cancer, he never made home from the hospital nor the nursing home, what he wanted was to drive his car and be with his dog.
STAY STRONG!!Because your mother is.
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