Change, you can either fight it or embrace it. What my family has attempted to do for the past five years is to embrace it but it has been very difficult. My mother raised nine children and my father. She has always been the caregiver in our family. If you needed anything she was the go to person. Not that my Dad couldn't or wouldn't we just all became accustomed to going to Mom. She was the nurturer, the listener, the problem solver, and the doer. All of our roles have been reversed since her illness. Dad has had to learn to not only take care of himself but also his wife. I recall many discussions Mom and Dad having about how many diapers he changed or didn't change, how often he may have done dishes or cleaned house or cooked a meal. The answers to all of theses were never. Dad worked and Mom took care of raising the children and keeping up the household. My Dad is now 77 years old and he is having to learn to cook, clean, shop, pay bills, and manage a household. No, there are not any kids to raise but still plenty of other household duties he had never been responsible for. My Dad still works so he too is having to juggle the household duties along with his work duties. This is something he had never had to do before. On top of all of this he has to help care for my Mom's basic needs. She is 100% dependent on someone else to care for her daily needs. I have heard my Dad talk to other people about how much he enjoys cooking meals. He is very proud of his accomplishments. On the other hand, my Mom now feels completly helpless and useless. She is constantly talking about how she wished she could do more for herself and others. If only I had just a little more energy I could help.
I wrote the above part of my blog yesterday (Tuesday), it is now Wednesday evening and I am now going to change the subject just a little due to some personal issues I have been dealing with this week. Five weeks ago my father-in-law had a heart attack and fell. He had been in the hospital on a ventilator for this entire time. On Sunday the doctors told my husband that it was time for he and his step-mother to make a decision as to whether or not to keep him on the ventilator. They had tried on several occasion to ween him but were not successful. He just became weaker and weaker. I sat with my husband on Monday while he told the doctors that he had made the decision to have the ventilator removed. His father had been asking him to help him go, make it go faster, I am now ready to go. He had seen his father suffer enough. He knew if he kept him on the ventilator he may live for some time but he would have to have him placed in a home to be cared for. My husband is his only living son and he knew from our experience that he could not do it alone. This morning at 8:00 AM his father passed away. My husband was somewhat relieved in that he could no longer stand to watch him suffer. He knew his father was ready to go and had made his peace with the world.
Now, I sit here thinking how similar but different this situation is from my Mother's. Five years ago when she first became ill we too had to make this choice. Of course everyone is aware that we chose to keep her on the ventilator and bring her home. Two circumstances were different. One, my mother said she was not quite ready to go and two there were several of us willing to take care of her once we got her home. I sit here now thanking God for having had her for the past five years and pray that we have her for five more. People will make comments of how much a burden it is to care for a family member, I quickly correct them to say that no it is a blessing not a burden. Yes, it has drastically changed our lives but I am grateful for every minute I am able to spend with my mother. Caring for my mother has brought me closer to her, my father and my siblings. How different life would have been if our decision had been different. I could write on for ever but need to go and take care of business. Just always remember things happen for a reason and count your blessing every moment of the day.
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That must have been a heartwrenching decision for your husband to have to make. Sometimes it is so hard to let go even when it is the person's wishes. I am so sorry for him and for you. As I enter middle age, the thing that causes me the most worry and makes me melancholy is the knowledge that my parents are elderly and frail.I know that my life can change with one phone call.
Thank you so much for being willing to share something so tender and personal. I will be thinking about your husband during this difficult time. I hope that you can take care of your self during this stressful time of caring for your mother. What a beautiful way to liik at life. Thanks!
Adapting to change can be difficult at times. When I was younger my great grandmother died. When she died that made the home feel so different. She always had snacks and money for me. She was always there for me when i would have bad dreams. When she died that kind of left me having to adapt without her being there. With your father having to adapt i can see how that can be a challenge. As things go on it will get better for him but it might will never be the same as before. i am also adapting to a new environment.
I thought long about posting this, but I think I should (it's 4 am, of course I think I should). Last semester, I made a comment about how, in gradual school, we go through so many life changing events, marriage, babies, death of parents, divorce - if one of those life events does not happen to us, it will happen to our classmates. My mom died while I was in gradual school. Many of my classmates had martial problems, a few had babies. Gradual school babies are cool.
Anyway, since this term began, at least four of you have experienced a life changing and challenging event with the death of a parent or parent-in-law. I'm sorry for each of your loss and encouraged that you write about these events.
If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you become a member of the Grief Club. We know each other with our introductions, it's a tight lipped short smile, a shared look, a brief nod. Beyond that, there is a vast space of feeling, memories, and beliefs about the something more. There is something honest in our acceptance of this membership - we didn't ask for it and the are dues quite heavy.
It is this knowledge of life and death, beginnings and ends that we chose to have the "ish" when we talk about due dates for assignments. As you gain practice knowledge, things will be structured and you will often assist someone in structuring their lives, but we do need to allow for the ish - in ourselves and others. It isn't that we encourage slackers and sloths - the opposite, really. We encourage the moment, the here and now experience that is our unequivocal reality. Because this is the place, the ish place, where we find what we need to move on to where we need to be next.
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