Monday, September 8, 2008
The beginning or the end?
December 7, 2003 I turned 38 years of age and on that same day my mother became seriously ill and my life, her life, my father's life, my immediate families lives, and many other lives were altered forever. What I know now as a turning point in our lives slowly evolved without any of us realizing it was happening nor what enormous journey was ahead of us all. I, among other siblings in my family, have become my mother's primary caregivers. My Mother and Father are now 77 years of age. My mother has respiratory disease and is on a ventilator. She was hospitalized on December 7, 2003 and was released on April 27, 2004 only after they determined she could not be weened from the ventilator and when her medicare hospital days were exhausted. At the time we were told by the social worker in the hospital that we had two choices. One was that we place her in a nursing home that would care for patients in her condition. The only nursing home that would accept my Mother in her condition was hundreds of miles from home. The other choice was to take her home. In our minds we had no choice but to bring her home. We could not imagine having her placed miles away from my father who would not be in a position to visit her often nor stay with her in the home. Not one of us that would be caring for Mother had had any medical training. We were told we would be trained before she was released from the hospital and that someone would come to the home to explain to us how all the specialized equipment worked and how to maintain the equipment. I have never been so afraid in my life. I can only imagine how scared my mother was knowing that she would have to depend on her own children, who were not medically trained, to care for her special medical needs. We were told by many health care professionals that she would not live in this condition more than six months. We were all preparing ourselves to care for our mother and keep her as comfortable as we could in her what we thought was few remaining months to live. She has shocked and amazed us all by living although the odds were against her. I am going to attempt to relate my personal experiences to the life course perspective. I will try to show how social roles have changed as a result of our new roles as care givers and care receivers and how this has dramatically changed all of our lives. I also hope to show how deeply our lives are linked and interdependent. Lastly, I am taking advantage of this assignment by using my personal experience so I can become a better caregiver to my mother and be able to better understand my role in life and how it has affected my immediate family member.
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3 comments:
I share your fear and the enormous resposibility for caring for your family. My father had a stroke 3 months after I graduated from high school. I took care of him for a year with just me and my mother. I then went to school but felt guilty for leaving him alone. He since has been hospitalized 4 times since then and I have been there for him through everything. When my husband and I looked for a house we made sure that it was atleast 10 min. or less from my parents house because I knew that if I was needed that I wanted to be able to get there quickly. The latest problem was a heart attack where he had a quad. bypass. I live my life daily worried about what will happen next. It is extreamly hard being the child taking care of the parents.
I just finished burying my step dad this week and watched my mother try and put it all in perspective. This is the second husband she has lost, my dad over twenty yers ago.
I could see the fear of uncertainty in her eyes and realized that if we live long enough, we may all experience this type of fear, alone, cold, and with no sense of purpose. As we close in on the baby boomers, more to follow. Great topic. Rex
My father died the evening before first class. His body simply wore out. My sisters and I were grateful we were able to care for him without benefit of a nursing facility which he always rebuked as "warehouses for old people". He relinquished independent living after a small stroke made it unsafe for him to be alone. We were able to accomodate him in our homes with few structural changes but what made his care easier from the beginning was that he came from a culture of parents being cared for by children. Growing up his grandmother was cared for by his mother and my mother who was a nurse. Later my grandfather, my father's father, was cared for by my grandmother. Because he came from this culture of caring my Dad was fairly willing to live with his daughters and only complained that we "talked" about him behind his back. We considered it coordination of care:-) and underneath I'm sure he knew it was loving concern for his well being.
Things are different today. Children grow up in the care of non-family members and often spend more hours in daycare than they do awake with parents. We seem to teach subliminally thatit is OK to pass off the care of family members to people outside the family. Children do not appear to feel badly about putting Mom and Dad in homes and visiting once a month to wheel them out to sit in the sun.
I think about my own future. I don't want to burden my daughter and soon to be son-in-law but doubt, if my financial situation continues unchanged, that I can afford any type of long term care.
I wonder if we will see an increase in elder suicide as people live longer, but have no means to support themselves in even a minimal existence.
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