Fear of Loss

I was intrigued by something that Harry said in "The Sum of Us". While laying in bed, completely helpless, Harry thinks out loud that he never worried about getting sick but he did worry about Jeff getting sick and how he would manage to care for him. I know part of his worry was due to the fact his lifestyle put him at additional risk of contracting AIDS but I also believe it was fear of losing his son. My mother has stated on many occasions that her only desire in life was that all her children out live her. I know I do not fear my own death but I do that of my children. It is a selfish fear in that I do no want to suffer through the death of a child. I have seen how devastating it can be for a family and although I have a very supportive family, death of a child would be such a loss. In my experience with my mother she has become accustomed to loss. She has lost so much since becoming ill but she seems to adapt. Like Erikson states it is either integrity and contentment or despair and my mother, like many other people in late adulthood, have chosen integrity and contentment. I do believe if she had to suffer the loss of a child, even though we range from ages 58 to 43, she would be is despair. I do not think it would necessarily be a chose but I do believe it would be more than she could handle. There is a scene in the movie when Harry is going to the bathroom in front of Jeff. I can't remember his exact words but his comment was how he was quite modest about going to the bathroom in front of someone but now it just does not seem to matter. Contentment, he knows it does not matter if he cares, he does not have a chose in the matter. My mother never leaves her room. She has a bed side commode that she uses. It did take her some time before she seemed to not be concerned about who might be in the room when she was sitting on the pot. (her terms) Now she nor any of the family members think anything about it. She had been fighting despair the last couple of weeks. Her living siblings have a reunion each year the third week-end of October. Every year she struggles during this time. The loss of freedom to go when she wants, loss of companionship with her siblings, and just the loss of control over the situation. All of her siblings live out of state so it is difficult. I just pray each day that they realize she can not come to them and they come to see her. I have learned the hard way you can not force someone to do something but I do believe in the power of prayer, so I will keep praying. I don't just pray that they come see her but that they realize what type of condition she is in. I do not think they are realistic in dealing with her condition. I went to a reunion a few years ago and the siblings would come up to me and make the statement that maybe your Mom can come next time. I would try to explain that was not possible but it was like they did not want to hear what I had to say. I eventually gave up. I know I am rambling again but it is hard not to sometimes. I have so many thoughts about this issue that they just seem to get all mixed up sometimes. I really wanted to share more in class on Saturday but event though I have been dealing with this for six years, I still have a hard time speaking out without getting emotional. I am working on it though. Thanks again to all of you who take the time to read my blog and comment.