If you happened to read my film journal on The Upside of Anger you will know that I felt that much of Terry's anger was due to her loss of control. Unfortunately, I believe this because I get the most angry when I too have lost control. I have been called a control freak in the past. This is something that I have attempted to work on in my life. Instead of admitting that I want control of a situation I use that old expression, if you want something done right do it yourself. I have come to realize that that is not always true. I have learned to let go but only out of necessity. There are only 24 hours in a day and after a period of time I have accepted the fact that part of those hours have to be used for sleeping. Although my mother does not talk about her anger I am sure it is there. The changes that she has had to deal with in her late adulthood are completely out of her control. She has little control over what is happening to her at this point in her life. I am sure my father also feels like he has lost some control over his life also. His life completely revolves around his wife. What is it that keeps us sane during these times? It is the protective factors that keep us from completely losing our mind. The strongest protective factor we have is our family. I have had many professionals make the comment that the care Mother receives from the family is what keeps her alive, not the machines she is connected to. What keeps me most sane as a caregiver is the patient, my Mother. Her strength, her acceptance, her faith, and her belief in me is what keeps me from being angry.
For the reason stated above I believe it is important for social workers to advocate for better care for the elderly. A better support system for those who do not have family to cling to. We need to eliminate the risk factors and build up the protective factors in their lives so they can live the end of thier life with contentment instead of resentment and anger. I have learned that you can not force a family member to care for a member of their family but we can try to find someone or something to take its place.
As in all my blogs I am not sure how much sense this makes to anyone else. It is difficult for me to put into words my feeling and even more difficult to attempt to determine my mother's feelings and put them into words. Again thanks for your comments.
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2 comments:
I agree with you; everyone does need some sort of support system even if they do not have immediate family to take care of them. When my grandmother had her stroke my aunt, mother, and I took turns taking care of her. My family and I are very close. However, there are people who do not have close family to assist them.
When I was growing up I had a neighbor who I began to call my "play mother". She was always there for special events throughout my life. Her husband passed away two weeks before I was born and she had two stillborn baby boys. She has no other family in Alabama, just us-her neighbors and church members. She was born on Thanksgiving night so we always celebrated her birthday on Thanksgiving; she's about 85 years old. Whenever we were together you could here us laughing miles away. She became ill about 3 years ago and because she had no family, when she was discharged from the hospital, she was taken to a nursing home. She often told me she was ready to go home, but they would not let her. Unfortunately, I have not been able to visit her since earlier this year, but thankfully my aunt began to check on her. My aunt told me a couple of months ago that she’s developing Alzheimer. Hopefully I will get to visit her when I go home in a couple of weeks. I do believe her support system-her extended family gives her a little strength, hope and courage.
Control is an interesting issue. Do we ever really have it? Do we have more or less of it as we get to middle adulthood? One of my favorite sayings is "only worry about what you can control". There are issues over which we have no control- like a hurricane or an accident, for example. But some people are unable to stop their worries no matter if they have control or not. Personally, I am not a control freak. I am very happy to delegate and let others handle some things! But I would agree that some things are better done yourself if it has to be done a certain way. Your mother seems to have a great attitude and realizes she cannot worry about her condition, over which she has no control. And she seems to have a great family who is willing to take control when she can't.
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