While in class on Saturday I thought deeply about how an ethical will can affect those left behind. I thought of it not for those I leave behind but me being the person left. As all of you have read my mother has been ill for some time. You can not help but to think of her death everyday and many times each day. I have attempted to get her to talk about her death with no success. I don't think she is afraid of dying but just not sure. She is a very devout Catholic and believes in the after life. She has talked about seeing her own mother and many others when she does die but that is all she talks about. We can not get her to make any plans much less write an ethical will. Oh how I would love for her to do so but I really think it would be difficult for her. I do not think I could approach the subject with her only because I do not want her to think I am ready for her to go. I guess this is one reason I do not bring up death to her very often. I do not want her to question why I want to discuss death with her. Mom fights for her life every day and every minute of the day. I do not want her to think I have given up on her or want her to die so I will not have to take care of her any more. I want to say I know my mother very well but since she has fallen ill she and I have been spending so much time together that I have learned that I do not know her quite as well I as think. Many of you discussed the fact an ethical will would only be things written that you already know but I assure you all you would be surprised at what is written. I agree a lot of what is written you will know but if someone is serious about writing an ethical will they will be writing down the things they never took the time to say. They will not be writing down the things they repeated their whole life. I am going to attempt to work up the nerve to approach her with this idea. Her hand writing is not very good but she can still type so I am going to really pray about it and see where that leads me.
I know some of you felt like these blogs were just another assignment you had to complete each week. For me it was therapy. I thank you Carol Drolen and Barbara Delisle for this assignment for it helped me work out a lot of feelings I had about my being a caregiver to my mother.
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How social roles are altered by becoming caregivers or care receivers.
- http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/eldercare/2007-06-24-elder-care-cover_N.htm
- http://abcnews.go.com/Health/ElderCare/story?id=3312789&page=1
- http://www.onlineorganizing.com/ExpertAdviceToolboxTips.asp?tipsheet=92
4 comments:
I just did my Weil paper and while I was reading about the spiritual inventory I began answering some of the questions about myself. It was kind of therapeutic to be introspective for a moment and also to think about what my friends and family would think if they ever read what I had written down. Certainly some of it would be obvious things about me, but much of it was things that are close to my heart and I don't discuss with people. I don't feel like I have many regrets in life, but there are things about me, feelings that I have, conflicts that I never resolved, that few people know about. This is not the first time I have done something like the spiritual inventory or ethical will though. I have found it very beneficial do a little introspection at hard times in my life. I hope that you can persuade your mother to do the same. And it might be helpful for you to do one yourself.
Hi Diane,
Regardless to how much we learn about death and the ten million reasons that we should prepare for the inevitable, it continues to be a challenging issue to discuss. While you are having difficulty getting your mother to discuss her will, my 85-year-old mother talks about her will monthly. She is actually pushing me to address her concerns. I want to be realistic but honestly, the thought of her leaving me and our family is overwhelming. Perhaps your mother feels similar and is not ready to leave you and your family. She may never discuss her death with you and in a way, maybe you can be prepared for this and accept it. It seems that she is getting what she wants and needs at this time--spending precious time with you. I admire your commitment and sincerely hope that you and your mother have many more days to get to know and love each other.
I agree that it makes it alot easier when they are willing to do an ethical will. I have a father who is ill and has had 1 stroke and 1 heart attack in less than 10 years. I worry about him daily but know that when God is ready for him that I have no controll over that. After reading many of your blogs it gives me comfort knowing that I am not the only one caring for a sick parent. I wish that my father would do an ethical will but he will not even talk about death. My father will not even do a finacial will so I hope that he will do so before it is to late. I hope that your mother continues to hang in there. I too am catholic so I am familure with their view on death. I hope to see you this spring.
Hey, it is an unfortunate time in your life and I commend your commitment to help your mother through this time in her life. After reading Weil, I came to realize that it is good to have this will written down but he also states that it is those cherished moments, ideals, and values that were often given in time of death by people of old. If this helps, focus on the things she has taught you, the good memories, the person you are that she helped to cultivate. I am sure that she is honored to have you as her daughter and as Hutchinson stated we all carry that sense of hope, regardless of where we are in our lves. So she is channeling her hope in believing that she will see those that she has long missed. You are her living ethical will.
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